October 23, 2021

Blue Origin Sues Every Tesla Owner, Questions Buying Car That “Doesn’t Remotely Look Like a Penis”

Kent, WA – Blue Origin, founded by Amazon’s Executive Chairman Jeff Bezos, has been locked in a tense legal battle with NASA regarding its awarding of an exclusive Lunar Landing project to rival SpaceX. Now Blue Origins is escalating its war on what it calls “wrong choices” by suing every single Tesla buyer ever. In a legal brief Blue Origin highlighted the grievances with hundreds of thousands of Tesla buyers “Their procurement process is broken, it’s clear that when you look at Jeff’s car plans its the practical solution.”

When pressed for specifics the Blue Origin rep stated flatly “For starters the [Tesla] Model 3 doesn’t even remotely look like a penis.” He went on to say that their price was unrealistic, questioning why the Model 3 was so cheap vowing whatever they eventually come up with will be 3 times more expensive and offer less range between charges. When Tesla was reached for comment they responded with a terse “Yeah we know. Like we have nothing better to do” Attorneys for the Tesla owners pointed out that in the suit Bezos’ purported alternatives to Tesla vehicles were mostly “written on cocktail napkins.” And were “inappropriately suggestive” to use as a family vehicle.