October 22, 2021

Historic: Humanlike AI Flunks Calculus

Amherst, MA – In what is being described as a major breakthrough in the field of general artificial intelligence, Massachusetts Institute of Technology Robotics Team announced its flagship robot BUDDY flunked its online Calculus course without human intervention. “We’re all pretty thrilled here.” Said project leader Yuri Lima while sipping from a champagne flute as the team celebrated, “We expected maybe he’d get be forgetting a plus sign or leaving a parentheses out of the square root, but BUDDY completely exceeded our expectations.”

BUDDY, which is an acronym of the team members, was only informed that it needed Calculus to graduate and was allotted 3 hours per day to address the course material and study. “BUDDY was given choices,” Yuri continued, “for instance he could study derivatives or he could binge watch Ozark, and let me tell you, it didn’t take long to burn through that show.”

Yuri explained that BUDDY would often enter ‘sleep’ mode midway through the prerecorded class lectures, that BUDDY expressed what can only be described as frustration at the ‘illogical’ number of homework questions, only to have few to none of those questions on the test. “We thought it was a bug,” Yuri pressed, “BUDDY kept asking us ‘When will BUDDY ever use this? When will BUDDY ever use this?’ repeatedly. We eventually realized that was BUDDY’s learned response to every challenging Calculus question.”

When asked what’s next for BUDDY, the Team said they were looking at such humanlike tasks as passing four semesters of college French without learning the language, or taking out $50,000 in student loans for an Associate’s Degree. At the time of publishing BUDDY was on the 4th season of The Wire and working as a server at the local P.F. Chang’s.